Does anyone know any (semi-clean) jokes? Here's mine!
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette rob a bank. While running from the cops they duck inside a old barn. The cops quickly surround the barn! Thinking quickly they hide inside some old potato sacks. Just as they get inside the sacks the cops bust in guns at the ready. They see the sacks moving so one of the cops goes to the sack with the redhead and kicks it. MEOW comes the response! "Oh, it's a cat!" He goes to the sack with the brunette and kicks it! Ruff Ruff comes the response! "Oh, it's a dog!" So he moves to the sack with the blonde and kicks it! The blonde yells POTATO!
A drunk walks in the front door of the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "You look like you've had enough already, get out of here."
The drunk walks out and seconds later walks in the side door of the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "I told you already you've had too much, get lost."
The drunk walks out the side door, and walks around and comes in the back door of the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him once again he's had to much, get lost. The drunk says, "Just how many bars do you work for?!?!?"
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Re: Tell A Joke!!!!
Little Johhny's teacher was teaching the class that human beings were the only species that stutters. Little Johnny quickly raises his hand and informs her that she is wrong. Curious as to why he would think this, she invites Johnny to share with the class. Johnny goes to the front of the classroom and begins to tell his story. "My cat was walking around the side of our house last week and a HUGE pitbull jumped out of no where and scared my cat. My cat went 'Ffff....Ffff' and just before he could say 'F**K', the dog ate my cat!"
Last edited by K-O-D_1BuletLeft : April 25th, 2007 at 09:51.
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
There were 3 veterans from Vitenam War.
A guy walks up to them and tells them to choose a part of their body
and for every inch they get 1,000 dollars.
The first veteran says," measure from the top of my head to my toes."
he measures and it gets 72 inches. he gets 72,000 dollars.
The second veteran says," measure from the tip of my fingers to my toes."
he measures and gets 84 inches. he gets 84,000 dollars.
Finally, the third veteran says," measure from the tip of my penis to my balls."
he begins to measure but as he is getting lower, he asks," sir, where are your balls?"
the veteran responds,"NAM."
PS3 Network ID: K-O-D_1BuletLeft and OneBulletLeft
Join Date: Mar 2007
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Re: Tell A Joke!!!!
here's another one!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you
don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than adoctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it toWal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
PS3 Network ID: K-O-D_1BuletLeft and OneBulletLeft
Join Date: Mar 2007
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Posts: 897
Re: Tell A Joke!!!!
Last one and I'll quit for a while....
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in
there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an
escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
keep them coming... You cant hear us all laughing but we are!
this isnt a joke, this really happened... My grandpa was in the marines when he was a wee lad and he was standing in their line or whatever it is marines do. anyway he farted and the drill sargeant made him catch it, put it in a box, and bury it 6 feet deep.
it could be made up knowing how old folks are but its funny nontheless.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. The drunk can't even make it up the stairs, so the man helps him up to the door.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
one more:
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
Tell A Joke!!!!
